15. Intermission

And so with Requiem for a Farce, we've come to the end of Jack's first literary arc. As promised, we're taking a moment to breathe and reflect on that journey. However, I can't be so bold as to tell you how to feel, what to think about, or how to interpret any of the events that have so far occurred. Some story elements remain ambivalent; some beats have been blunt. I have found the regular readers of River Zombies to be rather erudite, a characteristic intrinsic to the community supporting this narrative and one that I have come to treasure over the past seven months. As such, I trust you to formulate your own conclusions and judge Jack, his character, and his memoirs without the imposition of my biases.

Still, as the author, I suppose it’s expected that I have a perspective on my own work. Right? Very well. Here is a dramatized version of a conversation I try to avoid having when asked if I have any hobbies:

ME: I write fiction.

THEM: Oh? What do you write about?

ME: I write about a guy who was an auctioneer until one day when animals started talking and zombie monsters started coming out of the rivers.

THEM: Is that so?

ME: Yup, this guy (Jack) is trying to protect his family while not succumbing to his nihilism, but it’s hard because there are the zombies but also the anchor of nostalgia and he has this crippling guilt over the death of his father who he low-key hated.

THEM: Oh... how nice.

ME: But he’s also riddled with guilt over having to perform a mercy killing on his neighbor who was like the father that he had always wanted, but despite all the guilt and nihilism and depression and hostile indifference, he’s a standup guy who has strength that others rely on.

THEM: Oh, really, I —

ME: Nah, it’s good. Jack also tried to get along with his curmudgeon of a guinea pig, which was really an allegory for Jack’s frustration with the world falling apart. Anyway, that’s how the story starts: Jack arguing with his guinea pig.

THEM: His guinea pig?

ME: Yup, but later that little bastard suffocates on his own mucus.

THEM: What?

ME: And Jack has this awesome wife named Betty, whose blue hair looks like a gas fire when she's slicing up those zombie cunts!

THEM: Cunts did you say?

ME: Yeah, Betty kicks all the ass.

THEM: She sounds nice.

ME: Oh, and then there’s this stranger that comes along with a plush cow, a sign about war and butter, and he has a live grenade.

THEM: Are you okay?

ME: And then Catholic Knights actually become a problem again! Jack’s cousin is a bishop and part of this secret organization that wants to euthanize what’s left of civilization by setting off hundreds of hydrogen bombs all over the world.

THEM: Seriously, are you okay?

ME: No! Wanna read it?

A Question from Lana

❓

“In regard to the late, lamented guinea pig (A.K.A. Selwyn)… What was his issue? Was he ever a friendly little guinea pig pre-zombie hellscape? Or was he always a bit of a shit? Did he (and the other animals) talk before the event, or did trauma somehow trigger that ability?”

Thank you, Lana! I had — in reality — a miserable guinea pig. That’s how this literary journey all got started.

In the summer of 2017, my wife proclaimed that in order to start teaching our son some responsibility we should get him a small pet. We already had a pair of cats, but we needed something “less complex” than felines. So after some research, we settled on getting a guinea pig. Our son named him Aye.

Despite all our efforts to socialize and play with him, Aye seemed to be preprogrammed to be nothing less than the most miserable prick ever. He was agoraphobic, suffering panic attacks whenever we removed him from his cage. He’d growl at us when we picked him up, and he would screech and thrash about when he wanted to be served food. As Jack says in Episode 1, “those squeals and whistles echo through the house at a volume seemingly impossible for such a runt.”

In March 2020, while locked down for COVID, I began writing to give myself something to do besides go mad. The Guinea Pig and the River Zombies was written as an absurdist piece of flash fiction. My wife read it and said, “You should keep going with this.” So after some consideration and a couple false starts, here we are. Yes, we owe River Zombies to my frustration with an insufferable pet rodent that my family begrudgingly cared for until his natural death in 2021.

So to answer your question about Selwyn, he was always a bit of a shit. The sudden ability to speak and the advent of the apocalypse probably didn't help his personality. Indeed, no one knows why the animals gained human speech or how the zombies came to be or why they emerge from the rivers. The world fell apart too quickly.

A Question from Joe

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“For me for some reason, River Zombies has a throwback feel to the horror/comedy/adventure movies and shows from the 80s and 90s. If you were adapting this tale for the screen in that era, who are you casting in these parts? Budget and availability are no object! And if you want Corey Feldman in all roles, that works, too! It'd be weird, but acceptable!”

Thank you, Joe! This is a fun question with a great observation.

You probably sense that 80s/90s throwback feeling because of Jack’s relentless nostalgia, something that both grounds him and injures him. I imagine RZ's apocalypse having started circa 2020. When we’re dropped into the tale, humanity has already been living with this madness for several years. As gleaned from A Screaming Fish Unheard and The Sandwich and the Bishop, Jack was a child in the 1980s and a teenager in the 1990s. Despite his proclamation that “during the end of the world, nostalgia is a weakness,” he can’t help but look back, especially since he has decided that there is no future for humanity. This tints Jack's perspective and the prose of his journal entries.

Given that, we need to create two cast lists. The first would be for a film or streaming series produced for 2025. The second would be for a movie that would have premiered in 1995. (I don’t think mid-90s TV producers would have ever touched this.) The 90s version would need a rewritten script in which all 21st Century reference were eliminated, especially those mentioning the internet. For either iteration, our main characters (Jack, Betty, Kyle, and William) need to be in their mid forties. The rest would also be cast for age alignment. Perhaps most importantly, we need to find actors for Jack and William that look like they could be brothers, given that they’re “twin cousins” and all.

For fear of being more long winded than I already have been in answering your query, I present these two casts without commentary, but with the preface that I have chosen these actors and actresses for their dynamic range, history of nuanced performances, and physicality/voices. (Corey Feldman did not make the cut.)

River Zombies (2025)

Jack Gray: Tom Hardy
Betty Gray: Scarlett Johanson
Liam Gray: (No goddamn clue. I think we need an open call.)
Kyle Zlogowicz: Chris Pratt
Bishop William Gray: Logan Marshall-Green
Walter Flannigan: Ed O’Neill
Voice of Mina the Pit Bull: Helen Mirren
Voice of Marcus the Mutt: Tom Kenny
Voice of Selwyn the Guinea Pig: Mark Hamill
Voice of the Cat: Melissa McCarthy

River Zombies (1995)

Jack Gray: Kurt Russell
Betty Gray: Sigourney Weaver
Liam Gray: Elijah Wood
Kyle Zlogowicz: Bill Murray
Bishop William Gray: Patrick Swayze
Walter Flannigan: Donald Sutherland
Voice of Mina the Pit Bull: Maggie Smith
Voice of Marcus the Mutt: Frank Welker
Voice of Selwyn the Guinea Pig: Keith David
Voice of the Cat: Joan Rivers

Perhaps you disagree with these choices or think we could’ve shoehorned Corey Feldman in there somewhere. If so, please feel free to email me.

River Zombies, Season 1 Soundtrack

In keeping with the idea of Episodes 1 through 14 being the first season of a streaming series, I’ve compiled a list of songs, one to end each installment. So, here I present the final moments of each episode and the song that would take us into the credits.

1. The Ungrateful Guinea Pig

The monsters neared the painted pole. Their groans and snarls became violent roars.

“Come at me, bruh!” Liam shouted.

The machine gun erupted.

Between the bursts I heard the guinea pig squeal and whistle.

“Bullet with Butterfly Wings” by Smashing Pumpkins

2. Books in the Shitter

From within the house I heard my son shout with glee, “Is that a new dog? Did we get a new dog? I love him! What’s his name?”

Kyle took one more shot of Scotch and pulled on his cigar. “There it is,” he chuckled. “Right there…” He stumbled off my porch. “Right there, Jack!” he repeated as he staggered across the driveway toward his house.

“What?” I called after him.

“Positivity!” Kyle yelled back without turning. “Learn from your son.”

“Uptown Funk” by Mark Ronson (feat. Bruno Mars)

3. Blue Betty

The neighbors’ cheers and air horns mixed with the music. Betty held up her trophy. She panted and screamed and sobbed and sang along with Journey.

“Why?” Liam asked.

I put my hand on my son’s shoulder, “Because she is the strongest among us.”

“Don’t Stop Believin’” by Journey

4. The Dragon Tree

As I drove us away, Betty watched the Dragon Tree burn in the sideview mirror.

“Are you all right?” I asked.

“I get it now,” Betty smiled. “Don’t ask me to put it into words, but I understand the difference between no hope and no future. I get it now.”

“I love you,” I said.

“I know,” Betty answered and then she snickered. “Fucking Han. Couldn’t say it back. What a cunt.” She sighed and opened another warm beer.

"Thunder Road" by Bruce Springsteen

5. A Screaming Fish Unheard

I squeezed the trigger. The singing stopped. Walter’s head disintegrated beneath his Navy cap. No one screamed. No one cried out. I broke from my wife’s embrace and turned around to face my neighbors. Betty threw her arms around my waist and squeezed. She pulled at me and pleaded, “No, Jack. Don’t. Just come home. Let’s go home.”

<< RWD

I was a child who begrudgingly went fishing with my father. I wondered if the fish were screaming, but we couldn’t hear them because they had no voice when they were pulled out of the water.

PAUSE | |

I have screamed; no one has heard me.

“Something in the Way” by Nirvana

6. War and Butter

Betty went inside. I sat down in one of the wicker rockers and lit a cigarette. Kyle crossed my driveway and joined me.

“I saw the whole thing from my bathroom window,” Kyle said as he plopped into the other rocker. “You guys okay?”

I nodded.

“Shit, dude,” Kyle laughed. “I mean, what the fuck was that all about?”

“Coming Undone” by the Korn

7. Weird Things in the Beard

“Come on,” Betty smiled and grabbed my hand. “Let’s go finish braiding your beard and then we’ll fuck.”

“Laid” by James

8. The Incorrigible Guinea Pig

I tossed my cigarette onto the cage. It burst into flames. Everyone returned to the house, but I stood staring at the miniature pyre.

“I tried,” I said aloud, “but you had to be a cunt about everything. Good-bye, Selwyn.”

“Look on Down from the Bridge” by Mazzy Star

9. The Bishop Arrives

“Very well, Jack,” William stood. “We carry an altar and tabernacle with us. I will say mass at noon. All are welcome.”

I stood and met his gaze, “Just keep your brand of crazy away from my son, Your Excellency.”

“The Man Comes Around” by Johnny Cash

10. The Sandwich and the Bishop

Betty leapt up and threw her arms around me. “I love you, Jack,” she cried. “Please, promise me. Never again. I don’t ever want to see that again.”

“I love you, too,” I returned her embrace, but I wouldn’t promise she wanted.

“Know Your Enemy” by Rage Against the Machine

11. The Bishop’s Answer

BETTY: I mean… Come on, right?

JACK: You should have let me kill him.

“It’s the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)” by R.E.M.

12. The Bishop’s Departure

Blood gushed from William’s mouth. His eyes rolled back into his head. His grasp on my arm relented. His chest wound stopped gurgling.

I stood up. Betty joined me.

“Is that it?” she asked quietly. “Game over?”

“Not quite,” I said as I stared down at my cousin’s corpse. “Now we go retrieve the key and destroy it. Tonight.”

“Another One Bites the Dust” by Queen

13. Everything a Travesty

“What’s a eulogy, Dad?” Liam asked.

“Exaggerations and lies you tell about someone after they’re dead,” I answered.

“Oh,” Liam said. “When I die, I want people to say I could shoot laser beams out of my eyes and that my farts could kill anyone within a ten-foot radius.”

It felt good to laugh. Maybe Dad was wrong. Maybe everything is a comedy.

Betty took my hand and said, “Let’s go destroy ourselves an Omega Key.”

“Personal Jesus” by Depeche Mode

14. Requiem for a Farce

I pulled my lighter from my pocket, lit the crumpled note, and tossed it onto Dad’s desk. The office went up quickly. The flames followed us back through the hallway, down the stairs, and onto the sales floor. Twenty minutes later, Betty and I were sitting a block away in my pickup truck, watching Gray Auction House and Gallery burn to the ground. When the marquee fell from the building, I turned the truck’s ignition.

“Let’s go home,” I said.